Even my most successful clients fall into this one habit from time to time:
They use negative internal language — shaming, criticizing, and putting down themselves while they are trying, learning, or even failing.
Many of us were taught that being hard on ourselves builds character. That tough self-talk will push us forward. And yes — it can create a short burst of action.
But in the long run, it does the opposite.
Today, I want to remind — as I did in my Thanksgiving note on gratitude — of something just as powerful: self-kindness.
Imagine This
Picture a child taking their first steps.
Do we tell them: “You’re bad at this.” “You will fail again.” “By now, you should already know how to walk.”
Of course not. We celebrate their smallest progress — and that encouragement fuels persistence, confidence, and learning.
Adults learn the same way. But instead, we often talk the opposite to ourselves.
Why Negative Self-Talk Hurts Performance
Our ability to take action depends on positive cognition — believing we can succeed and being ready to move forward.
But negative self-talk competes for the same mental resources needed for taking an action.
Research consistently shows that negative self-talk:
• Is one of the primary reasons for procrastination and avoidance
• Reduces engagement in an activity and satisfaction with the results
• Weakens confidence and inhibits learning from mistakes
• Amplifies perceived failure, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy
• Triggers prolonged stress, drains energy and health in the long run
Our nervous system is wired for self-protection, so the internal dialogue might go: “If I’m not good at this… why even try?”
In other words: it disrupts Darwinian adaptatation itself. It stops forward progress.
How Can We Quiet Negative Self-Talk?
First — if you noticed it in yourself, it is already a win.
Changing internal dialogue takes practice, awareness, and external support. This is where coaching can be especially powerful: identifying triggers, recognizing patterns, and rewriting internal scripts.
Let me offer a few practical tools you can use immediately:
- Notice the languagewhen it appears — observe it without judgment
- Practice self-kindness and self-acknowledgment
- Engage in flow activitieswhere effort disappears and confidence rises
- Move your body — even a short walk releases endorphins that contribute to positive thinking
Some of this may feel obvious or even awkward at first. That’s normal. Try a few approaches — consistently — and notice what shifts.